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Funny Quotes

You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.

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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

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I hate it when some people call me insane or crazy. I prefer the phrase mentally hilarious.

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If you spell 'live' backwards it spells 'evil' and people wonder why life's a bitch!

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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If he figures it out, he's worth a shot.

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I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.

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There are three sides of an argument, Your side, my side and the right side.

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Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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Earth. Ingredient: Mostly Idiots.

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