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Archive for the ‘Funny Quotes’ Category

We live in a time period of smart phones and stupid people.

If you make me miss my sleep and/or woke me up in the middle of my sleep, be prepared to suffer the consequences.

If you spell “live” backwards it spells “evil” and people wonder why life’s a bitch!

I don’t care if you think you have ‘swag’. Just pull up your pants and walk faster.

Grammar is the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

Don’t break a girl’s heart because she’ll probably write a bestselling album about you.

Dear Gay Men, please stop being so much kinder, funnier and more attractive than straight men. It’s depressing. Sincerely, All Single Women.

Today is the youngest you’re ever going to be, but today is also the oldest you have ever been.

I am the most responsible person I know. Whenever anything goes wrong, I’m responsible.

Dear Google, thank you for doing most of my homework for me. You’re amazing.

Today’s Relationships: You can touch each other, but not each other’s phones.

You think you’re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.

You’re like the first slice of bread in the bag. Everyone touches you, but nobody really want you.

I know God wouldn’t give me anything I can’t handle, I just wish he didn’t trust me so much.

I’d like to see things from your point of view but I can’t stick my head that far up my ass.

I love my relationship with my bed. No commitment needed. We just sleep together every night.

I have to stop saying, “How stupid can you be” I think people are starting to take it as a challenge.

If your parents call you a liar, remind them about the tooth fairy, and Santa Claus, then walk away like a boss.

Pick up lines for old people: Grandpa: Hey baby, you better call life alert, cause I’ve fallen for you and can’t get up.

Did you do your makeup this morning, or did you just get gangbanged by Crayola?